Anger has a bad reputation. We fear it. We feel ashamed of it. We push it down to avoid losing control.
But anger has a purpose. It draws our attention to something that is bothering us. Sometimes what we are angry about is a surface level thing, but if we really pay attention to that anger, we can uncover a more important unmet need that lies below. Or a fear, an insecurity, a vulnerability.
Unchecked anger can damage our relationships and how we feel about ourselves. Repressed anger can make us depressed and detached, feeling like we are living inauthentically.
There is a middle ground. There is a way to experience your anger and express it in healthy and constructive ways.
Becoming Aware
The first step is developing awareness around your experience of anger. What are some physical signs that you are angry? You might notice that you start to feel hot, tingly, or sweaty. Is there anywhere in your body in particular where you notice these sensations? Your face, hands, arms, legs?
Does your thinking change when you start to get angry? Do you get hyper-focused, obsessive? Are there certain things that tend to trigger you?
What do you tend to DO when you get angry? Shut down, retreat, raise your voice, get defensive, become accusatory, get physically aggressive?
It is helpful to be aware of all of these things.
Switching Gears
Once you have learned to be aware of your rising anger, the next step is to learn how to switch gears before things escalate.
Are you already aware of something that helps you to calm down? Is it something you can do in an angry moment? If so, use what you already know works. If not, there are lots of options here. Long slow breaths. Asking to take a pause. Walking away. Imagining a peaceful place. Consciously shifting your thinking. Different things work for different people, so you can experiment with different things until you figure out what works for you.
Expressing Anger Constructively
Ideally, you calm down enough to be able to express how you are feeling in a reasonably calm way. You speak from your experience and try to avoid blame. “I statements” can be a helpful basic framework for this. “I feel __________ when you ____________ and I would like __________.” For example, “I feel angry when you don’t do something you have promised to do. I would like for you to follow through on your commitments to me.”
In my work, I have seen that the key to avoiding resentments is communicating about things that are bothering you as soon as possible. Of course, you have to pick your battles. Addressing every single little thing that irritates you probably isn’t the best use of your energy. But when you are having a significant emotional reaction to something that is happening in a relationship, it is likely that addressing it will be useful.
If you are having trouble with expressing your anger constructively, therapy can help. I would love to talk with you about what you are experiencing. Call me at 805-664-1177 for a free phone consultation.