We all have different ways of expressing and receiving love. When there are problems in a relationship, there is often a mismatch between how partners give and receive love.
You may find that these preferences are applicable to other relationships in your life as well, such as friendships and relationships with family members.
We can think of our preferences for giving and receiving love as our “love languages,” a concept popularized Gary Chapman. Figuring out your love language and your loved one’s love language can pave the path for a relationship that feels more fulfilling.
The five love languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Gifts
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Physical Touch
We will dive a little deeper into each one.
Words of Affirmation
Words of Affirmation is using words to build a person up. You can do this by using words to praise, acknowledge, or show admiration for someone you love. For example, you might say, “I really love how you think things through before making a decision,” or “I see how hard you have been working lately,” or “You look really nice today.”
Gifts
Some people feel loved when they receive Gifts. When a gift is given, it can symbolize that the giver was thinking of the receiver, and also pays attention to the receiver well enough to know what the receiver would like. The gifts don’t have to be extravagant. Sometimes just a small token that shows the receiver they were being considered is enough.
Acts of Service
Acts of Service are things a person does to help someone they love. This might be washing the dishes, helping to take care of pets or children, or preparing a meal. Those who feel love through Acts of Service feel cared for when someone does something to ease the burden of their responsibilities.
Quality Time
For others, spending Quality Time with a loved one is what makes them feel most loved. Quality Time is all about doing things together, with focused attention. Being close to one another is likely not going to feel like enough if you are engaged in different activities, or if either of you is distracted by something else. It is about connecting through shared activities or conversation.
Physical Touch
When you hear “Physical Touch,” you might assume that means “sex.” But those who feel love through Physical Touch often long for affectionate, non-sexual touch as well. This might be hugs, kisses, little touches, holding hands, or shoulder rubs. Affection can wane in a long-term relationship, and those who feel love through Physical Touch can feel neglected when that happens.
How Can I Love Better?
So what do you do if you discover that the way a person you love receives love is different from the way you tend to express love?
You can ask the person to share ideas of how you could show love for them using their love language. For example, if you discover your partner’s love language is Physical Touch, you can ask what kinds of touch makes your partner feel loved. If their love language is Acts of Service, you can ask which sorts of helpful acts would feel best for them.
Knowing how you receive love, being able to ask for that in a relationship, and doing your best to love others using their love language helps to make for more harmonious and fulfilling relationships.